


Come Home To You

by LovelyLuna



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Childhood Memories, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Smut, Teen Angst, past Merlin/Gwaine - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-10 17:20:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7854133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyLuna/pseuds/LovelyLuna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur never thought he would see Merlin again. When Merlin moved away from Albion, he thought that was it. But now, Merlin is back. Arthur is so used to doing what is expected of him and what his father has told him to do. However, Merlin knows him better than anyone ever did or could. Arthur isn't sure whether his best friend is his salvation or destruction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always, thank you to my beta Emily and everyone else who proofread this work!

Only fools do what I do.

I fell for you. I loved you. But in that, you got dragged down by me. I hurt you. I wasn’t ready. I put both our lives on the line because I fell for you. I knew that it was a bad idea. I knew it was all so temporary, I knew it couldn’t last. Not forever. I knew that it wouldn’t work out. But I chased after you anyway.

And then…

I had to pay for what I did. I had to hurt you. I know that it hurt you. But I couldn’t let you get hurt more…

Now?

Now I don’t know what to do.

__

 

High school can be bland. Small towns can be suffocating. Albion was no exception. Arthur was dead bored in this small town; everyone was the same; people rarely left except on holiday. The sea kept the weather fairly mild all year round. Kids grew up to take on their parents’ jobs. Everyone knew everyone. It was a two stop light town.

Arthur Pendragon.

His father was Uther. Everyone knew Uther- well, they thought they did anyway. He was important - supposedly kept the town in order - so everyone expected Arthur to be just like him. Because of course, one day Arthur would take his place.

That’s why Arthur sat in class bored out of his mind - to keep up with appearances. Because he was expected to leave and go away to the same university that his father had gone to, and come back and do exactly what was expected of him.

When a thin figure stepped into the classroom, he ignored it.

“Class, we have a new student,” said the old woman who also happened to be the teacher of the dull class. “Merlin Emrys. Make him feel welcome.”

Arthur looked up. Black, messed up hair. Pale skin stretched over high cheekbones. Skinny jeans that hung off his hips and layered shirts. A silver stud in one ear. When Arthur looked into big, blue eyes, he saw something. Something familiar. That name was familiar too.

The boy’s eyes connected with Arthur’s. The corner of his mouth twitched up ever so slightly. Arthur felt his lungs stop working for a moment; it washed over him like waves, one memory after another. 

A young boy with a laugh that was too bright and cheery. 

Finding creatures on the beach and poking them.

Climbing trees with bare feet. 

Pinky promises and overwhelming long stares. 

The warmth of one last hug before, with tear stained faces, they parted. He watched a car piled up with boxes. The boy with a mop top of black hair staring out the back. Watching the road for so long after they were already gone. Waiting until it was dark before finally retreating into his house. 

Arthur couldn’t believe it - his Merlin had come back, the boy who had moved away so long ago. His best friend. It left him unable to think or move as he watched him nod to the class and sit down in the desk next to him. 

He was in shock the whole class. Trying his best to keep up appearances, he didn’t look at Merlin, he joked with his friends and did his work. 

After class, he didn’t know what to do, so he just walked out of the class and went on his way to his next one. But then he heard a voice behind him. His name being called out. He bit his lip and tried to walk faster. Then, a hand was on his shoulder and it spun him back. 

“Arthur?” 

“Uh…” His eyes grew wide, he wasn’t ready for this. 

“It is you, right?” said Merlin. His face was so close to Arthur’s, searching his eyes with so much hope in them. Arthur couldn’t lie, there was no use in lying to him. It was his childhood friend who knew him too well. He’d figure it out or find out. Arthur would’ve hurt him. How could he hurt him?

“Uh, yeah, hey Merlin…” He tried to shrug it off, make it seem casual and slow his heart that he feared was coming up his throat, waiting until he could let a mask slip over himself again.

“Bloody hell, this is weird,” He said it in such a bright way. Why did he have to look that way?

“Yeah.... I mean, not really, I’m still here, you just got back.” He was an idiot, he knew he sounded like one. Deep breaths and Arthur started to try and regain his disguise.

“Yeah, I suppose that’s true. I just-I just guess I didn’t expect to see you again.”

“Neither did I.” 

Arthur felt his throat constrict. He wanted to run far away and just abort the whole reconnecting thing; but he tried not to let his fear and his emotions show. The mask was still not fully able to sit on his face comfortably. The mask was never supposed to be for Merlin.

“Blimey,” said Merlin, his too-big smile stretching over his face. 

“Yeah,” choked out Arthur. 

“You want to meet for coffee tomorrow?” asked Merlin. “I just haven’t seen you in so long - years! And I just don’t know many people here anymore. It’d be nice just to- to talk, you know?”

Arthur looked Merlin up and down, and shook his head with amusement. Merlin was just the same. The same as he always was. Too good, too wholesome, to get mixed up with Arthur again. Arthur, who couldn’t be himself, who was hiding everything and keeping far too many secrets. And yet, how could he say no to those eyes? 

“Yeah,” He agreed. “Coffee would be great.” 

“Great! I’ll see you then! Uh, Smith’s place, right?”

“Sure.”

“I’ll see you.”

“See you.”

With that Merlin rushed off. Arthur looked after him, his heart beating wildly. Dammit.

___

Arthur tossed and turned. All he could think about was Merlin. 

His big, blue eyes; how he had missed them so much. For years, he had waited; waited for his best friend to return. For a while, he had expected him to, but then he lost hope. He tried his best to forget that his best friend had moved away; the one person he trusted had left him. So he moved on. Stopped fighting his father and became like him. Let himself be sucked into planning like he would be the next Uther Pendragon. Let himself be changed and denied himself everything he wanted. 

Now that he had returned, he didn’t know what to do. Things weren’t the same as when they were kids. Yet… Arthur still knew he would fall head over heels if he went and met Merlin for coffee. He would fall in love all over again. If he was being honest with himself, he already was. 

His skin itched. There was a restless energy buzzing in his muscles and he couldn’t tell if it was fear or excitement or both. Whatever it was he knew either way, he was fucked. Merlin Emrys was going to be the death of him. Maybe even literally. 

___

Arthur sat inside the Smith’s coffee house. It was the only coffee shop in town, other than a Starbucks that was barely even in town, more just a stop by the highway on the way out of town. Gwen and Elyan, who were Arthur’s classmates, worked there for their parents. He smiled and was pleasant with Gwen when she got him his coffee. One of his friends had said that she had a crush on him, and it sure seemed like it; if Arthur was really paying attention. 

His stomach was filled with temperamental butterflies, who were definitely not making it any easier for him as he sat there sipping his latte. He was almost certain that he was sweating so much all his blond hair would be matted to his head by the time Merlin arrived. He sighed and tried to not let his nerves get the best of him. 

A bell rung as another person entered the coffee shop. Arthur looked up, just as he had for every single person who had walked in since he had arrived, and finally- finally Merlin was there. The guy was a mess. His hair sticking up in a way that surely had to be an accident but looked too good to be fair. Arthur wasn’t sure whether his clothes were a fashion statement or a mistake but they looked amazing on him so it didn’t really matter. 

“Hey!” greeted Merlin. 

“Hey,” said Arthur. 

“Oh! You already got coffee, I’ll go order then.”

Merlin set his bag down and then went and waited in line to give Gwen his order. Arthur caught himself checking out his butt when his back was turned. Quickly realizing what he was doing, he shook his head and reminded himself that he had no idea what Merlin was thinking about any of this - he probably just wanted to be friends. There was no reason for Arthur to go and fuck things up by assuming this was a date. They were old friends, they were catching up. Nothing more. 

After a few moments, Merlin sunk into the seat across from him with a steaming cup of coffee. There was a pleasant grin on his face as he took a sip and hummed with delight. 

“You like it?” asked Arthur with a raised eyebrow. 

“It’s heavenly,” said Merlin. 

Arthur shook his head with a fond smile playing on his lips. He couldn’t help it. 

“So,” said Merlin, looking intently now at Arthur. “Tell me, what happened to you?”

“Whatever do you mean by that?”

“I just… I mean, you seem different. I mean, I know growing up, yadda yadda, whatever. But more than that. You seem like you changed. How have the years been to you?”

“Good, thank you. And Merlin, you have changed too. Don’t you think you owe me an explanation for that as well?” chided Arthur, trying to joke with him. 

“I came out,” said Merlin, straight faced. No hint of a joke or an accusation or malintent. Just simple. “I guess I’m not as out here, but where I was, I was out. My whole family knows. My friends from there know. I’m going to be out here. Not going to go around with a big sign that says ‘I’m gay’ or something - but I’m not going to hide it, and I’ll provide it gladly if people ask.”

Arthur sat there. His heart was beating out his chest. He took a hopefully not too shaky breath. 

“Wow, good for you,” said Arthur. “That’s great.”

“Yeah, it really let me be me.”

Merlin met his eyes. They were not challenging but they were not passive. It was intense and careful. 

“So, what about you?” asked Merlin. “What changed you?”

“Uh…” said Arthur. “It’s been a long time. High school, different friend groups, and just uh, bonding with my dad. It’s made me better-I think. I’ve grown up quite a bit.”

He wished he couldn’t see how Merlin saw straight through him. 

“Good, that’s good.”

“Yeah…”

“Yeah…”

Arthur rubbed the back of his neck, searching desperately for something that could keep them from talking about what they both were there for. 

“So, uh, where did you move to again?”

“Ealdor for a little while, not much bigger than here, but then Camelot for the past uh, I guess 5 years.” 

“What was it like there?”

“Camelot was big. Exciting. So full of life and energy. There was always something to do, or someone to hang out with. It’s a city after all. I loved it there.”

There was such a light that shone out of Merlin’s face as he talked about his old home. Arthur envied how much he loved it. Envied that he had gotten out of Albion for at least some time. He knew that he would for university too. He knew Merlin didn’t belong in Albion. Yet he couldn’t deny it was so good to have him back. 

“Why’d you come back?” asked Arthur.

“I told you I would, didn’t I?”

“That’s not why you came back.” 

“Gran’s getting old, my mum wanted to be here with her,” shrugged Merlin. “So we decided that we would be here for the year. See how things are.”

“Okay.”

“You’re not the same,” said Merlin suddenly. “But that’s okay. I wouldn’t expect you to be…”

Arthur was tempted to ask why he had said that, but there was something in his gut that told him he already knew why. 

“So…” said Merlin. 

Soon they were chatting more casually about high school and old memories. Whether it was about the beach or the town, or silly stories, it all came naturally. They laughed easily and it felt like old times. Sure they were older, more mature, but that same liveliness that had permeated their childhood was there in them again. Just sitting there, talking with one another again. 

___

Uther was in a foul mood - Arthur could feel it the moment he stepped into the house. There was an unrest in the air. 

“Arthur!” shouted Uther from the kitchen. 

“Yeah?” replied Arthur, making his way to the kitchen. He entered into the room and saw his father already leaning over the counter pouring himself a glass of whiskey. 

“How’re your grades?”

“Good, as usual,” reported Arthur.

“Sports?”

“Good.”

“Got a girlfriend yet?”

“No, not yet.”

 

“Work was shit,” said Uther knocking back a large gulp of whiskey. “At least you’re doing well.”

Arthur nodded. His body felt rigid, stoic. He saw himself almost from the outside, he was the little soldier of his father. Did what he was told. Never argued. Well, not anymore. 

“Go away,” said Uther. Arthur nodded his dismissal and left. He felt like a servant who should bow in front of their master or king.

He sighed as he went up the stairs and crashed inside his room. Not expecting anything, he looked at his phone. 

Merlin: Hey :)

Arthur couldn’t help but smile. Giving Merlin his phone number was definitely either a terrible or wonderful idea. 

Arthur: Hey :)

Merlin: what’s up?

Arthur: just got home

Merlin: how’s that?

Arthur: fine

Merlin: u want to show me around town tonight?

Arthur: u lived here for years… 

Merlin: I was a kid. doesn’t count

Arthur: when and where?

Merlin: downtown 8:30

Arthur: see you then

Merlin: see you ;)

Arthur couldn’t contain the smile that spread itself over his face. He knew he had to keep his relationship platonic, but at the same time-there was nothing platonic about his heart. 

___

Merlin looked downright sinful. His hair was styled and roughed up. He was wearing a jean jacket over a button down and his skinny jeans hung just right. Arthur felt under dressed in his jeans, t-shirt and letter jacket. 

“Wow, I guess in the city you always dress up,” said Arthur.

Merlin laughed. 

“Yeah I suppose, you just dress with what you got.”

Arthur rolled his eyes and slung his arm over Merlin. 

“Come on, let’s reintroduce you to small town life,” he said. 

They walked around the quaint town. The sun had just set and the quietness of the evening had started to set in. The shops were still lit but preparing to close. Other teenagers walked around and many of them waved to the two friends. There was an easiness with the two of them as they walked around and talked. 

Arthur showed him around the square and out to the piers. They laughed and talked and reminisced about their childhood. The time that Arthur pushed Merlin off the dock in the middle of the winter. When Merlin had celebrated his eighth birthday and had a party on the beach. Which was a fond memory for Merlin, but Arthur couldn’t help but remember that Uther went and happened to get drunk. Arthur had to push him to go home that night and put him to bed. He only wished that Merlin had completely forgotten about that part. 

“So…” said Arthur. “You came out. That’s big.”

“Yeah,” said Merlin cheerily. 

“You get a boyfriend while you were in the city?”

“For a little while I had one. His name was Gwaine. He was really awesome. But it just didn’t work out-it wasn’t the right timing. We split on good terms though.”

Arthur watched Merlin’s face and saw that there was something there and it was feeling. The heat of jealousy stirred in his stomach. He knew he had no right and he knew that Merlin was no longer with Gwaine. And yet- he still felt it. 

“What about you?” asked Merlin. 

Arthur chewed around his thoughts for a few moments. 

“I dated a girl named Vivian for a little bit, and I’ve gone on dates and stuff. But, just none of it has really stuck yet.”

Merlin nodded with a cordial smile. Arthur immediately felt regret at having to put forward how he was dating girls. He knew he wasn’t really fooling Merlin, Merlin had known him too well when he was little. He knew he could be honest and his secret was safe, at the same time he wasn’t sure he was ready to tell anyone yet. 

“Well,” said Merlin. “It’s only high school. There’s plenty of time, university and everything.”

Arthur thought there was a hopeful tone to his voice. 

“Yeah, there’s time.” 

They walked in comfortable silence for a few moments.

“I should walk you home,” said Merlin. “You probably need to get back.”

Arthur checked the time and nodded reluctantly. Merlin walked him home and Arthur watched as he walked away. There was too much warmth in the way he looked at him. His heart was beating too fast. He wished it had been a date. He wished Merlin had kissed him. 

___

They were texting almost constantly. Arthur’s friends were a bit weirded out by it actually. Leon had started giving him a bit of grief. 

“Are you texting a girl or something?” he asked. “Finally found someone?”

“No,” replied Arthur. “It’s nothing like that. It’s Merlin, we were friends when we were kids.”

 

“Okay…”

“We were best friends, for years. We didn’t drift apart for any reason except that he moved. And talking to him again - it’s just easy. It’s like going back to that. I dunno, don’t read too much into it.”

Leon looked at him skeptically, but eventually shrugged it off. Arthur knew it was odd for him to be so responsive to someone. He tried to tone it down or at least be more discreet about when he was texting Merlin. 

Merlin: Do u ever want to leave Albion?

Arthur: Yes 

Merlin: When?

Arthur: When I can

Merlin: Forever or just for uni?

Arthur: If I can, forever. 

Merlin: why

Arthur: Because here I can’t be myself

Merlin: U can be yourself with me

Arthur: I know

Merlin: good :)

___

“Why?” said Arthur when Merlin suggested it. 

“Because I haven’t been to the beach properly yet.”

“But, the water’s too cold and there’s not much reason to go if you can’t be in the water.” 

“We’ll figure something out. Please?” Merlin almost batting his eyelashes like a little kid. Arthur couldn’t stand the way that Merlin would pout. It really was not fair, he was too cute. It didn’t allow him to think straight.

“Fine,” said Arthur, giving in far too easily. 

So they went to the beach. It was cool and they were in long sleeves. Yet the smile on Merlin’s face was enough. They took off their shoes and dug their feet in the sand. Arthur didn’t like sand that much, it got everywhere. But watching Merlin dig his feet in and be so satisfied just to hear the waves and feel the sand and watch the sun, it just felt right. 

“The sunset in the city is never that great,” said Merlin. “I mean the sky is the same. It’s splashed with color. And don’t get me wrong it can be really beautiful. But-not like this. There you had skyscrapers that would get in the way and you never felt the like sun was there with you. Besides it rained too much. Here… the ocean goes on forever. And the sun reflects off it and the colors are just… It’s so beautiful.”

Arthur looked at Merlin, the way the light reflected off all his angles and cheekbones and his big eyes. The way he described everything was so real. 

“I guess, I’m just so used to it,” replied Arthur. “Don’t notice it.”

“I want to notice it, while I’m here.”

“Then I’ll do the same.”

Merlin turned to him and smiled brightly. Then his bright smile turned mischievous as he threw a handful of sand on Arthur. Arthur was surprised but quickly reacted by throwing sand back. Merlin scrambled to run away and Arthur leaped after him. 

“Come back here!” shouted Arthur, as he ran after him and captured him with his arms around his middle both of them laughing as he swung him around in a circle. As they separated both intoxicated with laughter, there was just too much light in Merlin’s eyes. 

Merlin moved towards Arthur. He was still laughing so much. Then Merlin had his hand on the side of Arthur’s face. And he was leaning so close. Their breath was mixed for just a split second. And then Merlin’s lips were on his. Chaste, quick, warm. And then he stepped back, realization of what he just did dawning on him. 

“Oh shit,” said Merlin, all the blood draining from his face. “I’m-I-I-I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have done that.” He turned away from Arthur. Arthur stood there shocked for a moment. His was breathing was ragged. His mind was racing, without ever locking onto to one thought. He looked up to see Merlin walking away, embarrassed. 

“Wait-” said Arthur. He reached forward and grabbed Merlin’s hand. Merlin wouldn’t look at him. 

“I’m sorry, I fucked up-I fucked up a normal friendship…” mumbled Merlin. “I wasn’t supposed to-I didn’t mean to… Please-please don’t go. I don’t want you to hateme or forus tostop being friends and just-”

Arthur grabbed Merlin’s jaw and looked him in the eye. 

“Shut up.” 

Merlin looked at Arthur, his eyes so sad and so hurting. 

“I don’t hate you. I don’t want us to stop being friends. And… you weren’t wrong to do that. I… I like you too… I just… I’m not out. Not like you-I can’t be. And I’m scared, scared so much by this-but don’t you think for a second that you were wrong.” 

Arthur shook his head as Merlin tried to turn away and he sighed. God help me… He turned Merlin back to face him and open mouth kissed Merlin. Merlin froze and was surprised but then relaxed and reached up to put a hand on Arthur’s shoulder. Their lips slid across each other and tongues ebbed and flowed as they brushed along each other. After a few moments they broke apart. 

“Whoa,” sighed Merlin. 

“Yeah,” replied Arthur. 

They sat down on the sand and watched the sunset. Merlin wrapped himself around one of Arthur’s arms and laid his head on his shoulder. There was an easiness about it. Arthur knew it wasn’t easy. That it wouldn’t be easy. But sitting next to Merlin hearing the rise and fall of his breath and feeling his warmth it felt far too easy. Arthur knew he was a fool. For the moment he couldn’t care less, because after all, he was a fool.

___

Merlin knew the moment he went up to Arthur that first day that if anything happened between them that it would be this way. Arthur wasn’t out and he knew it. That was clear. And he knew the town well enough, remembered the way it felt. Silently he was grateful to have left, to have been able to come out to his mum and Gaius outside of all of that. They were able to let him tell who he wanted and be himself. 

It wasn’t the same with Arthur. He knew that. It couldn’t be that easy. Uther was well known as a homophobe. He was in the public eye too. Which put Arthur in the public eye. Arthur couldn’t just come out and it not be a big deal. It wasn’t even just his father. It was the whole community. Everyone would know within a day. It was too much. 

Yet even knowing it, Merlin had fallen for Arthur. He had fallen for him when he was so young. In love forever. He thought about him so many days when he was gone. Gwaine had been fantastic, the first guy he could actually even think about liking or loving since Arthur. It was easy with Gwaine. He was so funny and light and flirtatious. There was never any thinking with Gwaine, he just went and did. Whether it was crazy stunts, getting drunk or having amazing sex. It was just doing. So simple. There was nothing else to it. They were both out. They were both free. 

But still, even with Gwaine, Merlin thought about Arthur. He even told Gwaine that. Gwaine didn’t resent him for it. He shrugged, said that there were always those people. People that were so deep in you that you couldn’t get them out. Especially first loves. He fondly said those were the worst. It didn’t break them up. Merlin and Gwaine did break up when they felt like it wasn’t moving forward. It was fun but it wasn’t lasting. Merlin knew he was moving back in the next few months, then. Gwaine had his eyes on someone else pretty quickly and Merlin didn’t care. Knowing he was moving back to Albion brought up too many memories and Gwaine, while loving, wasn’t empathetic enough to get it. 

When he came back and saw Arthur so many emotions came bubbling back up to the surface. Running after him was foolhardy and he knew that. Yet he couldn’t stop himself and for the first time in awhile he didn’t care. Even just being his friend was enough. 

He hadn’t meant to kiss him, it just had felt so natural. The stupidity he had felt was so acute. But then Arthur kissed him. His heart had soared. Arthur liked him back. It was more than he could even imagine. 

Yet he knew the way it would go. It wouldn’t be easy like with Gwaine. It would be so much more complicated and difficult. It had to be secret and discreet. They couldn’t be in public. Uther must never know. He wasn’t even sure if he could tell his own mother. It wasn’t going to be easy. And yet, he knew he couldn’t resist Arthur, especially now. 

___

They were in Merlin’s room. His mom was out and they figured it was a safe enough place. Merlin knew she wouldn’t question or say anything about Arthur, that was even if she saw him. He trusted her and she trusted him. Arthur was a little tentative but Merlin convinced him it was safe and that it wouldn’t even be an issue. 

They laid in Merlin’s bed lazily kissing, Merlin sucking and nipping at Arthur’s lips and Arthur playfully pushing back. Their hands were wandering, pulling and pushing across clothing. Over shoulders, over backs. Sliding over, and grabbing hold. It was easy. 

Arthur was relaxed, surprisingly. He was like putty in Merlin’s hands. So limber and willing. He pushed him on his back and heard the soft sigh that escaped Arthur’s lips. Merlin loved watching Arthur’s face. His strong features that were so entrancing in the light spilling from the window. Merlin kissed his lips and then his nose. He worked his way covering his entire face with kisses. He licked his jaw and sucked on a spot just behind his ear. Arthur stretched and keened under his touches. 

Merlin ran his fingers under the bottom of Arthur’s shirt and slowly worked it up his stomach. Arthur had no problems with what he was doing and helped him strip it off. Thin, long, delicate fingers ran wild over Arthur’s hard abs and sunkissed skin. Merlin’s gaze grew heavy with desire as he surveyed Arthur and got to touch him. It was so easy - they were so well suited. 

Merlin leaned in and kissed Arthur long and slow, swallowing his gentle moans. Arthur used this opportunity to help pull off Merlin’s shirt as he sat on his knees. With a flick of his tongue on his lips, Merlin set to kissing down Arthur’s sternum and his stomach. His fingers dragging along the seams of Arthur’s jeans. They were both already hard, but neither moved their hips. Staying still, waiting for Merlin to make his move. 

There was a haze that had started to settle over them. This was becoming less and less innocent. Merlin was in his element. He knew how to elicit the response he was looking for. He dragged his tongue just under Arthur’s naval. The ragged breath that responded was enough to assure him. His eyes traveled up his partner’s body as he searched his face for encouragement to move forward. There was a gentle nod. 

His fingers deftly unbuttoned and pulled down the zipper. Then the jeans and boxers of the boy were pulled away. Merlin reassured him with kisses on his hips. Then he took Arthur’s head in this mouth and swirled his tongue ever so slightly. The gasp that rose out of Arthur’s body-took Merlin’s breath away. He pulled off and licked a stripe down the vein of Arthur’s cock. Then he moved away and looked up at his boyfriend through his eyelashes. His blown pupils meeting his glazed eyes. 

“God, you’re amazing, Merlin,” choked out Arthur. 

“I’ve barely gotten started with you,” said Merlin darkly. “You’re going to last, right?”

Arthur huffed out a laugh, “We’ll see.” 

Merlin kissed the inside of Arthur’s thigh. His fingers smoothed over his hips. 

“You ready?”

“Yeah.”

After fishing a condom and lube out of his bedside drawer, Merlin unbuttoned his jeans and slid out of his pants and boxers. There was a slight look of awe that washed over Arthur as he watched Merlin strip for him. Merlin was thin and lithe, his light skin was gorgeous and one day Arthur wanted to mark up all of it. 

Merlin opened up the bottle of lube. He squirted a little onto his fingers, rubbing them together to warm it. His weight rested in his knees as he was over Arthur.Then he locked gazes with Arthur as he brought a finger to his hole and pushed into his own heat. The feeling was familiar to Merlin, but the look in Arthur’s eyes was not. Arthur’s mouth hung open as he watched his boyfriend work a finger in and out of himself slowly. Soon, Merlin added another finger, arching his back and putting on a show. The soft noises that escaped him were nothing compared to the hitched breaths that were coming out of Arthur. 

Once Merlin had tested three fingers and deemed himself prepared, his gaze dropped onto Arthur’s hard cock. Luckily his show had kept him hard. He ran a hand over Arthur’s cock, pumping it a few times and eliciting a moan. Merlin tore open the condom packet and rolled it onto Arthur’s cock. 

Merlin grabbed onto Arthur’s shoulders and shared a ghost of a kiss. Taking a few steadying breaths, Merlin aligned himself and sunk down onto Arthur’s cock. The firmness and heat of Arthur entering him, overwhelming him. He paused for a few moments and then sunk down the rest of the way. His breath was coming out in pants and he watched the blissed out expression of Arthur. 

“Shit, Merlin…” gasped Arthur. “Move or I will.” 

Merlin chuckled and raised himself up before coming back down. Arthur’s cock ran even deeper inside him making him moan. As Merlin continued the slow drag of a pace, Arthur finally willed himself to grab onto Merlin’s hips and thrust up into Merlin when he sank down onto him. The pace was almost achingly slow, the heat between them sweet and thick. Merlin felt his orgasm building low inside him. 

“I can’t last much longer,” choked out Arthur. Merlin nodded and guided his hand onto Merlin’s cock. Still dry, the rough friction wasn’t exactly what he needed but it was enough. After a few strokes Merlin felt himself still and he came all over Arthur’s hand and stomach. Though he was starting to get sensitive, he lifted himself up just a few more times to give Arthur the friction he needed to get him to come. After Merlin felt Arthur come and then go limp, he rolled off of him. They both lay there for a few moments, the post-climax haze still over them. Their breath was coming out in rasps. 

Sighing and smiling at his boyfriend, Merlin pushed up so he could get up. He made his way to the bathroom and got a wet washcloth. Arthur had sat up and disposed of the condom already. Merlin wiped himself down and helped Arthur wipe himself down, with the aid of a few kisses as well. 

They got redressed and laid in Merlin’s bed for a few moments cuddling. Arthur took Merlin’s hand and left a kiss there. 

“You’re so beautiful, Merlin.” 

“You have no idea what you do to me,” sighed Merlin. “Arthur, I’m scared that I’m falling in love with you.” He curled himself somehow even closer into Arthur. 

“I know, and I’m scared too,” said Arthur, squeezing him gently. “But I’m falling in love with you too.”

___

Staying away from each other for too long was difficult. They both needed each other so much. Merlin felt like he was drowning both when he was with Arthur and when he wasn’t. With Arthur he was drowning in love and couldn’t care less. Without him he felt like he couldn’t breathe. It was stuck under his skin. Distracting him all the time. 

His eyes wandered to him during class. He couldn’t help that he texted him too often or forgot all about his homework some nights. Gaius and his mom were suspicious of something going on. But what exactly it was, they didn’t want to figure out. When he had his secrets, they kept out of it. 

Being out in the small town of Albion was strange. He wondered if it would matter and it depended on the day. The douchebags of the school harassed him sometimes, but most of the town seemed to just treat him with this strange gaze. They didn’t know what to make of him. 

One day some of the assholes from school had spray painted “fag” on his locker. Arthur didn’t know what to do with himself. He wanted to kill the guys but at the same time it had freaked him out so much. Merlin shrugged it off the best he could. He had expected worse coming back, it was actually a good reminder for him not to get too comfortable. As well as remind him what he had to protect Arthur from. He was just some new kid who happened to be gay; what Arthur would have to go through would be so much worse. 

Merlin lay in Arthur’s arms that night and could feel his rage and fear. As he swore up and down that those guys were going to pay. Merlin smiled softly and assured him that he did not have to do anything. 

“You’re not mad?” asked Arthur in disbelief. 

“Of course I’m annoyed, but that’s their own business. What they say about me has no reflection on me or who I am. Besides, I don’t want you to get involved, it’s not worth it.”

Arthur huffed and shook his head. 

“Don’t worry about it, Arthur. It’s okay…”

“You deserve better than that…”

“That’s why I have you,” said Merlin. 

Arthur held him tighter but said nothing. Merlin saw the wheels of worry turning in his head. He knew that they both deserved better than this, than what they were, what they had to be. But Merlin wouldn’t change it. 

__

Arthur wanted to do something for Merlin. Something big and sweet and romantic. He loved romantic gestures, but he needed to do it secretly. There wasn’t anyone he could really talk about with it either. He wanted it to be a secret from Merlin and there was no way for him to ask anyone else about any of it. So he went to the only place he could think to go, where he could breathe and be able to brainstorm. 

Walking up the hill, the world felt grey. The grass was faded and the wind was blowing right through him. It was somehow calming and reassuring but it still felt hollow. The cemetery was one of the few places he could be left alone. The world didn’t dare to do anything to him there, so it was where he went a lot. 

Kneeling in front of his mother’s grave, he placed the roses he had picked up. Her gravestone was large, almost gaudy in Arthur’s opinion. Uther had insisted on it, but it never felt like it fit his mother. She had held a simpler beauty in life. But still, Arthur enjoyed sitting and talking at her grave as if she could hear him. He hoped she could, but he held little faith in it. 

“Hey mum,” he said, he sat on his heels and let his body relax in a way that it never did except in front of his mother and Merlin. “Do you remember Merlin? We used to play so much when we were little. You always liked him. I think you even knew. You always saw everything… I love him, mum. I love him so much…”

He sat for a few moments in silence. The wind blowing around him. The clouds were grey but moving overhead, maybe the sun would come out a little bit that day. 

“I want to do something for him. I’m not sure what though. I want to take him away, get him away from all of this. Let us just be ourselves for once. If you were here we’d plan the whole thing out together. I know I would be able to tell you… you always reminded me that it was okay for me to be me. You could tell. I know that. I remember you telling me that Merlin was a good person and that I should hold onto him… I wish I had before. I want to, mum. I really do. He’s too good for me.

“I want to do something, I don’t know what. What do I do?”

He sighed. He rubbed the back of his neck as he sat in front of his mother’s gravestone. He felt his phone buzz against his leg. Sighing, he reluctantly looked at his phone. 

Father: Arthur, I need you to attend an opening for me in Camelot. It’s in two weeks. Make plans around that. It will be on that Saturday night, you are expected to be a good representation for me. 

Arthur looked at the message and thought for a few moments. This could actually work in his favor. 

Arthur: Could I go early on Friday night that weekend to prepare and spend a few nights in the city?

Father: Fine 

Arthur: Thank you, father

Arthur smiled. He had a good idea of what he could do for Merlin. 

___

“Why exactly are you going back to Camelot?” asked Huntith. She stood chopping vegetables in their kitchen. 

“I’m just going to visit Gwaine for the weekend.”

Merlin’s mother paused and looked up at her son. 

“You boys broke up a long time ago…”

“I know,” Merlin met her worried gaze. “It’s not like that. He’s happy with Percy. I just miss Camelot, and I’d like to see him again. We’re still good friends.”

“And you don’t want me to go with you?”

“Mum, please, no. I’ll be fine and I won’t be alone.” 

Huntith shook her head and she sighed. Merlin knew she was giving in but still something was bothering her. 

“You’re not telling me...” she said softly. “Is he not out?”

“Mum… please.” 

“He isn’t is he?… boy… Merlin, be careful, dating a boy that’s in the closet will mess you up. I know you, and I know that it’s already getting hard. But just-just don’t get your heart broken, okay?”

Merlin smiled at his mother. She was worried about him. 

“I’ll be careful, mum, I promise.”

She nodded. 

“Alright then…” she chuckled softly. “Didn’t think I could be more worried about my son dating someone after Gwaine. That rascal…”

“You loved him,” laughed Merlin

“I did. But you two weren’t meant to stay together like that. You both have found other guys that make you happy… He makes you happy right?”

“More than I can believe, sometimes.”

“Very well then,” said Huntith as she plopped her chopped vegetables into the stew. 

___

They sat on the train, Merlin with a knapsack and Arthur with a nice overnight bag. They could have sat on different seats, pretended they weren’t together or knew each other. It was still somewhat a risk that someone they knew would be on the train going to Camelot. Yet, they were classmates and it’d be okay to be seen as friendly. So they sat across from each other so they wouldn’t accidentally hold hands or lay on top of each other. They knew how comfortable they were around each other made it too easy. 

There was a reminder that they were being watched even if it wasn’t obvious. So they couldn’t cuddle but they were near each other. Merlin smiled at Arthur. Arthur met his eyes and couldn’t help the light that was in his eyes. After a while Merlin sat on his seat with his headphones on, music running through his veins. Sufjan Stevens played him through the passing scenery, while Arthur had resigned himself to doing his homework. 

Eventually, Merlin’s head rested on the cool glass of the window, his black fringe sticking up as he had messed with it so much. Every now and then he looked over at Arthur studiously working away, and their eyes would meet. Merlin loved Arthur’s deep, blue eyes. They were so clear. So real. It felt like he was looking into the sun sometimes. Merlin got this stupid far off look in his eyes which lead Arthur to quirk an eyebrow in his direction. His boyfriend smiled and rolled his eyes. Arthur knew too well that he was good looking. 

The world passed by them on the train - it was strangely comforting. They watched themselves get farther and farther from Albion and its people. Their worries about being caught, the stress of who Arthur was expected to be - these things started to fall away. In the city, in Camelot, people were not so bigoted, not so close-minded. No one cared about another person’s business, either. They were invisible in plain sight. 

Merlin loved how you could disappear in a city. Everyone had their own story there, so few people could really judge you for what yours was. He was able to just be himself when he was in Camelot; didn’t worry about being found out, because he wasn’t hiding anymore. Sure, not everyone he met and talked to knew that he was gay. But he didn’t have to worry about what people would say when he talked about his boyfriend, because they really didn’t care. They just let him do his own thing. 

Even just for a weekend, to go back to the city, that was what Merlin needed. Showing Arthur what it could be like for him. What they could be. 

___

They got to the hotel and Merlin laughed at how expensive and rich it was. Arthur was confused but he supposed he was a bit spoiled. He went to the front desk and checked in. Merlin watched him with his knapsack thrown over his shoulder. When Arthur got the room keys he took one and slid it, along with his hand right into Merlin’s back pocket. Their gaze met so intensely. It was the first time they would be displaying affection publicly. 

Merlin let his hand lay gently on Arthur’s arm and leaned into him. It was tender and charged with nerves. Arthur was trying to breathe and he felt that he only could if he was looking into Merlin’s deep blue eyes. 

“Let’s go up to our fancy room,” said Merlin slowly and carefully. 

“It’s not that fancy... “ 

“Yes it is, sweetheart…” 

Arthur shook his head as Merlin lead him by a hand to the elevator. 

“-There are actual bellhops, the lobby has a chandelier, yes Arthur, this is a posh hotel,” chided Merlin as they entered their room. It wasn’t a large room, however Uther had booked Arthur a room with a queen bed. 

Arthur breathed out as they entered their room. He hadn’t realized how he had been holding it. 

“It’s okay,” soothed Merlin. “I know, it’s scary. But not a single person in this hotel knows us, and they don’t care. The assholes won’t say a word, the worst we might get is some weird faces. We’re safe.” 

Arthur’s eyes were locked with his. The fear, the fear he was so accustomed to having, it was so vivid there. He swallowed and steadied his breathing. Merlin reached his hand to Arthur’s jaw, his thumb running over his bottom lip. 

“We’re here.” he said. It was a statement. They could do this. They could be together for a weekend and not have to worry about any of the other stuff. As long as Arthur got to his opening, they didn’t have to care about the time or count the minutes. They wouldn’t have to calculate every movement they made. 

Arthur smiled and Merlin leaned forward to seal their lips together. Merlin’s hands grabbed at Arthur’s far too neat, blond hair. His boyfriend laughed into the kiss and pushed him into the wall. They stayed there, making out, pressed against the wall. Breaking apart only to breathe. Arthur deepened the kiss, tongue soft and warm as it stroked across Merlin’s. Merlin broke away so he could attach himself to Arthur’s neck and kiss his way across his boyfriend’s neck and jaw line. 

Arthur’s hands found their way around to Merlin’s back and he guided him step by step away from the wall and to the bed, Merlin fully engrossed in his loving on Arthur’s neck. Arthur sneaked his hands in and around Merlin’s lithe body under his jacket. Slowly, he moved to take Merlin’s jacket off. Reluctantly Merlin let his arms be taken away from Arthur so his jacket could be slipped off and discarded somewhere on the floor. 

This began their slow process of removing articles of clothing between making out and their gentle caresses of each other. One article at a time: Arthur’s shirt, Merlin’s shoes, Arthur’s shoes, Merlin’s shirt, Arthur’s belt and jeans, Merlin’s jeans, both of their boxers. Skin against skin, finally. Sinking into each other they kissed and touched. Merlin was the one who broke away for a moment. 

“Either you need to get a condom and lube or this can only go so far,” huffed out Merlin. “And god, I want it to go so much farther…” 

Arthur laughed into Merlin’s skin. 

“Alright,” reluctantly he moved away from his boyfriend. He walked over and got the bottle of lube and a condom from the pocket in Merlin’s bag where he knew they would be. Plopping them on the bed next Merlin, he smiled and said, “there.” 

Merlin smiled and replied, “Good.” 

Arthur leaned forward and open mouth kissed Merlin. Letting his hand wander down Merlin’s body. His hand drifted between his partner’s legs making him open them up. Merlin scooted farther up the bed so he was comfortable and let Arthur climb on top of him. 

“You ready for that?” asked Merlin with a cocked eyebrow. 

“You want to guide me through it?” 

Merlin grinned and grabbed the bottle of lube on the bed. He flipped it open and squirted it into Arthur’s open hand. Arthur warmed the lube between his fingers like he had seen Merlin do. Merlin gently guided Arthur’s hand down between his legs and parted his legs just so. A finger ghosted over Merlin’s hole and made him suck in a breath. Arthur locked eyes with him. He loved seeing Merlin’s eyes so clouded with intensity and want. 

Merlin whined for Arthur to just continue. Arthur could be a tease but he had no intention of being one at that moment. Slowly he pressed a single finger inside of Merlin's hole. It was so warm and he received a moan from Merlin.

"Fuck," muttered Arthur.

He worked his finger in and out of Merlin. Watching in rapt attention as he saw Merlin's breath becoming more ragged, and the way in which he rocked closer to his finger, wanting, needing more. A second finger was added and Arthur tried out new ways of moving inside Merlin. He tried to figure out what worked and what didn't. Whether Merlin liked him scissoring his fingers, or hooking his fingers inside of him.

Merlin uttered curses and let his hands ball up in the covers underneath them. Arthur let the hand not inside of Merlin wander over Merlin's legs and stomach. Brushing close but never touching Merlin's leaking and flushed cock.

"Fuck me."

"You're not very patient, Merlin," chuckled Arthur.

"Nope, now come on!" He gasped out.

Arthur removed his fingers from Merlin. Breaking open the condom, he rolled it over his hard cock. Taking some lube, he coated a little onto himself. Lining himself, he looked at Merlin.

"Please," whimpered out Merlin.

A smirk showed up on Arthur's face, though it was wiped away as he pushed inside of Merlin. They both groaned. Arthur could barely stand how great it felt as he let his cock drag inside of Merlin. Moving his hips, he pulled back out and moved back inside again. Slowly he was able to gain a rhythm. Merlin barely seemed to care whatever rhythm Arthur was trying and was canting his hips, seeking him out. The little cries that Arthur got out of him in those moments were some of the sweetest.

Breathless, they moved together. Arthur grabbed at any bit of skin he could find, sucking and kissing when he had the strength. Merlin whined and cussed. His fingers found blond hair and pulled. It was all so much. Them together. Able to be vulnerable and free and intimate. Hot and sweaty but somehow less secret than before.

Arthur still felt like he could not keep up with Merlin and grabbed onto Merlin's cock when he felt his orgasm welling up inside. He started to jack him off in time with his thrusts. Finally he couldn't hold it off and he came with a stutter and his body seizing up. Coming inside of Merlin.

Merlin loved that feeling but Arthur still had to jack him off just a little longer before he came as well. When Merlin came, Arthur has started coming down from his bliss and stroked Merlin's face. Kissing him and murmuring soft things to him.

They laid there for a few moments before the stickiness set in. Arthur pulled out slowly and stripped off the condom to throw it away. Though Merlin tugged on his arm, he only came back for a kiss before going to get a warm washcloth to clean himself and his boyfriend off.

"Mmm," hummed Merlin as Arthur took gentle care of him. "You're so good to me."

Arthur smiled and kissed him deeply. They climbed under the covers and cuddled for a long time. Arthur took to drawing patterns on Merlin's skin. Softly tracing his spine and shoulder blades. Lulling Merlin into a blissful sleep. Arthur just let him fall asleep and watched the rise and fall of his chest. It was simple. It was perfect.

"I love you," he mumbled into the back of Merlin's neck. "You are saving me from myself. Thank you."

Merlin hummed in his sleep and curled closer to him. Arthur fell asleep easier than he had for years. He was warm and safe, holding the most precious thing in his world.

___

Merlin woke up in a bundle of warmth. The soft sheets and blankets around him and Arthur’s arm curled around his stomach. His back was pressed into Arthur and he felt so safe there. It was so simple and so comforting. He had never gotten to wake up from a whole night with Arthur. 

He felt Arthur move against him, slowly waking up. Merlin moved to face him and watched the grumpy boy struggle to open his eyes. He smiled as he watched Arthur squint. 

“Good morning, sunshine,” said Merlin, his own voice still low and raspy from sleep. 

“Hey,” yawned Arthur. His eyes still droopy as he looked at Merlin. Merlin watched Arthur’s golden features. His strong jawline, razor sharp cheekbones. His icy blue eyes. His beautiful blond hair looking crazy with bedhead. 

“I love you,” murmured Merlin. He couldn’t help it. 

“I love you too,” replied Arthur, leaning forward to plant a kiss on Merlin’s nose. 

“We should get up, you told me we have a lot of plans for the day,” said Merlin, trying to shrug off some of the blankets. 

Arthur reached out a hand to grab onto Merlin’s forearm. He pulled him back to kiss him; slow, languid and just right. Merlin smiled and moved away. 

“Come on,” said Merlin. 

“Fine,” groaned Arthur. 

They rolled out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom. Their shower together got side tracked a few times, but finally they got themselves dressed and ready.

Stumbling downstairs they ate a simple breakfast at the cafe in the hotel. Arthur couldn’t help but notice how great Merlin looked, sitting there with wet hair, sipping black coffee and his cheekbones highlighted by the morning light. 

___

Arthur was not a huge art fan. He enjoyed some of the pieces but he would rather not be at a museum. Except that Merlin loved museums. Even when they were little, he had been fascinated by every type of museum and begged Huntith to take him on the weekends. Arthur had gone a few times and it was mildly interesting to him. There were cool animals at the children’s museums, but over the years Arthur had not gone to one of his own accord. 

Seeing Merlin’s face as he watched in awe looking at the paintings, made it worth it. The museum was solemn and hushed. A type of quiet that unsettled Arthur. It was worse than a library. In a library Arthur at least appreciated the quiet to focus. 

The people that were there were all thoughtful people. The artsy types or the studious types. The type of people Arthur didn’t quite understand. There were some parents who brought their kids and some college students that clearly were only there because they had an assignment on it. 

All of that fell away, Merlin was the only thing. His skinny jeans that clung to his thin frame. The oversized t-shirt, stylish jean jacket that he always wore and blue converse sneakers. Arthur couldn’t help but watch him more than the art. 

“Look at this, Arthur,” said Merlin, pointing to a painting. “It’s called The Lonely Cedar.” 

Arthur turned his attention to the painting. The Cedar tree at the center of the painting had branches coming off it in all different directions. The top branches were dark and creating a canopy. The branches on the left side reaching out far with leaves on the ends. While the right side had no real branches except one piece of wood looking out towards the horizon like a head. The tree was in the middle of a barren landscape, alone. 

“It’s gorgeous,” said Merlin, entranced by it. 

“Yeah,” agreed Arthur. It was beautiful but it was also sad. That tree was alone, and it was reaching out but there was nothing for it to grab onto. 

“I love expressionism,” said Merlin. “It just, it displays a mood so clearly…” 

Arthur knew that Merlin had said more about expressionism and his favorite artists, but Arthur wasn’t really listening. He was watching the way Merlin’s lips moved and light came into his eyes as he spoke. He was so far gone on him. 

“Did you hear anything I say?” asked Merlin. 

“Bits and pieces,” shrugged Arthur. “But it just reminded me how amazing you are. You love this stuff. You know so much about it.” 

Merlin smiled, Arthur gave him a kiss on the cheek and took his hand. Walking through the museum Merlin continued educating Arthur about art. Arthur just let him talk and listened, paying attention to everything he could. Things were so simple and easy there. 

___

Merlin was impressed by Arthur’s planning as they sat down in the park. Arthur had prepared a picnic with sandwiches and a blanket, everything they needed. Merlin attempted to help him set up, but was shooed away as Arthur wanted to do everything himself. Which was a sweet gesture. 

“I just want to be a little chivalrous,” he said. 

“You’re already my knight in shining armour,” laughed Merlin. 

“Then let me do this.”

“Okay.”

Merlin watched Arthur as he struggled putting everything out and preparing the lunch for them. Finally, Arthur let him sit down and handed him a sandwich. Merlin smiled and leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. 

“Thanks.” 

Arthur beamed back at him. They sat eating in the warmth of the sun for a while. People in the park passing them by. No one paid them much attention. Kids were playing. Dogs and their owners passing by. Families and couples running around. All of it was peaceful. 

They finished their lunch and were just laying in the sun. Merlin lay on Arthur’s lap and messed with his fingers. He loved touching Arthur’s hands. They were worn and durable. He traced over his knuckles and kissed the pads of each of his fingers. Felt for his pulse on his wrist. He got lost in the touch and connection he felt with his boyfriend. All that mattered was that moment. 

Arthur shifted under him and Merlin looked up and followed Arthur’s gaze. There were some kids playing football just across from them. Merlin didn’t pay them much attention. 

“Heads up!” yelled one of the kids as the football flew through the air towards them. 

Swiftly Arthur blocked it from hitting Merlin with his forearm. 

“Sorry about that…” said the boy as he came to get the ball sheepishly. Arthur smiled and gently shifted Merlin off of him. He dribbled the ball back and forth between his feet. He looked at Merlin with an eyebrow questioning. 

Merlin sighed fondly. “Fine, go play.”

Arthur smiled and kicked the ball towards the kid. “Mind if I join you guys?”

“Yeah! Come on!” the kid said as he motioned Arthur over to his friends. 

Merlin watched from a safe distance away. Arthur was so good with kids and he loved sports. Arthur’s smile as he played was so genuine and relaxed. As breathless as he was running after those kids, Merlin was breathless just watching how amazing he was in motion. He was so in love. 

___

Merlin worked diligently and methodically as he tied Arthur’s tie. Pulling the cloth through and adjusting it correctly. Arthur was all dressed up for his opening that night. He had learned it was a black tie gala for some political opening thing. He didn’t really get it. But Arthur needed to be there. And of course, that was how they got the weekend to themselves. 

“You look fucking gorgeous,” said Merlin. 

Arthur laughed. 

“Thanks,” he looked at Merlin. “I wish you could come with me.”

“I know, and I wish I could too. But it’s not my scene, and they’re your dad’s friends and colleagues…”

“Yeah… what are you going to do?”

“I’m going to go see an old friend,” said Merlin with a smile. 

“Okay, sounds good.”

“I’ll see you after.” 

Merlin leaned in and kissed Arthur. They pulled away after only a moment and then Arthur sighed and nodded. He kissed Merlin on the forehead and went out the door to his event. 

It took awhile for Merlin to adjust to the sudden feeling of being alone. He had gotten used to the feeling of being by Arthur’s side the whole day. But now he got to go see Gwaine. A gentle calm settled over him. He was excited but that wasn’t what he felt, it was almost relief. Not from being away from Arthur as much as going to someone he could be completely himself with and not have all these rules around. 

Merlin dressed himself up in his tight jeans and boots and an old jersey jacket that was black and white. He grabbed his stuff and went to go meet Gwaine. When he had started to set up his alibi and plans for the weekend he had talked to Gwaine and agreed to meet him at a cafe. 

The cafe was cute, and a bit hipstery. Merlin didn’t get anything since he wanted to be able to sleep but waited patiently at a table. Somewhere in his head he knew it was weird that he was meeting an ex while he was having a get away with his boyfriend, but at the same time it was Gwaine. Which he supposed actually made that worse. He hadn’t told Arthur directly that he was going to see Gwaine, but somehow he felt it was unimportant. They were both dating other people and they had left off on good terms. 

“Well, well, Merlin Emrys,” said a deep voice behind him. Merlin turned to see the tall, dark and handsome devil that was Gwaine. 

“Gwaine!” said Merlin smiling. They embraced each other for a moment, both laughing. 

“It’s so good to see you,” said Gwaine, his eyes sparkling with mischief as usual. 

“Yeah, I’ve missed you,” said Merlin. 

“Well, here, sit,” motioned Gwaine and they sat down facing each other. “How have you been since you moved? I’ve heard off and on from you.”

“Yeah,” said Merlin rubbing the back of his neck. “Sorry about that-”

“Don’t be! You’re having a life, I’m having one, no reason to get in a fuss. Our paths crossed again. Let’s just be glad of that.”

Merlin smiled. This was what Merlin had loved about Gwaine. He was so carefree. When Merlin was cautious, he had been reckless. It was so easy and so frustrating. 

“Yeah, so I’m back in Albion.” 

“How is that?” 

“It’s… It’s not Camelot that’s for sure. I love Camelot and being back today, has been… amazing. Relieving. I miss the city. Small towns it feels like everything is too focused and constricting.”

“Yah, I agree. Couldn’t stand being in a small town. Too much pressure there and not enough to do.”

“Yeah,” agreed Merlin. “So how have you been?”

“I’ve been doing what I do, you know. Percy and I have been together awhile now. It’s good, really good. He’s even steadier than you sometimes, Merlin, I swear. I get him to come out with me though. It’s the same old shit we always do - but it’s good.”

Merlin watched Gwaine’s face. He had seen how good he and Percy had been and he could believe it. They fit each other so well. Gwaine, too reckless and charming for his own good, and Percy, steady and silent but loyal beyond belief. They were a force to be reckoned with. 

“That’s good,” said Merlin, smiling. He was honestly happy for them. 

“So what about you?” asked Gwaine. “You get into that old love of yours’ pants yet?” 

Merlin chuckled and looked down. Gwaine raised an eyebrow. 

“Oh? You have?”

Merlin nodded and smiled brightly. It was great to acknowledge it. Yeah, he was with Arthur. To tell someone. It felt good. He wanted to shout it to the heavens. 

“Yeah, I’m dating Arthur Pendragon now,” he said, barely believing that he could say that. 

“Nice!” Gwaine raised a hand to high five him. “Finally, mate! Damn, you were always so hung up on him. I’m glad you’re finally getting what you want.” 

Merlin sighed and cocked his head to the side. 

“Wait…” 

“He’s not out,” sighed Merlin. 

“Shit.” said Gwaine. He shook his head. “Merlin, I get it. You guys want to be together and everything. But he’s not out? Like how much? Like just not to his family? Or to anyone other than you?”

“Nobody else knows.” 

“Bloody hell, Merlin… you know what you’re doing to yourself-just damn. Why? Why am I even asking why… I know why. Goddamnit…”

He watched as Gwaine processed this. His mother had the same protective frustration with him. Of course, he hadn’t been able to reassure or disclose everything to his mum. Gwaine, he knew, only knew him and his mum in Albion, there was no way it would get back to them. And Gwaine wouldn’t tell anyways. He knew what a secret was. 

“This isn’t going to go well, Merlin, you know that. It can’t just be okay. If he’s that scared to come out, if his friends don’t even know… Shit’s bad there, isn’t it?.. He can’t come out. Shit, Merlin! You’re killing yourself! You are going to end up broken from this.” 

Merlin looked at his own hands. 

“I love him.” 

“Merlin… then it’s going to be worse.”

“But he loves me too.”

“I know… that doesn’t mean that he can- he can be what you need. Merlin, you’re not self sufficient, and when you fall, you fall in deep. I know. What if… say someone finds out. Will he be okay? Will you be okay? Will you be safe?” 

Gwaine was leaning over the table. He placed his hand over Merlin’s. His hand was warm and heavy and comforting. His eyes were so intense looking into his. Merlin tried to reassure him with a smile. But Gwaine could see it in his eyes. He didn’t know. He couldn’t be sure. 

“Merlin…” 

“It’ll be okay, Gwaine.”

“Fuck you. You deserve better than that.” 

“We both do.”

Gwaine stared silently at him for a moment. Then shook his head. He saw that he couldn’t change Merlin’s mind about this. His judgement was too clouded, feelings too involved. 

“Just-just be careful.”

“I am. We are.”

There was an awkward silence between them. Gwaine ran his fingers through his luscious locks. He sighed and closed his eyes but when he opened them he seemed to be trying to move on from the difficult topic. 

“So…”

“You going to Uni in Camelot?” asked Merlin. He wanted to move onto a new topic as quickly as possible. 

“Yeah, looks like it. You coming back for Uni?” 

“Yeah, I’ll be back.” 

“Good. We miss you, Merlin. I miss you.” 

Merlin smiled. Gwaine meant it. And Merlin had missed Gwaine. 

“Hey you want to see Percy? I’m sure he’d be glad to see you.”

“Yeah, that’d be good. Arthur’s probably going to be busy for awhile still.”

___

Arthur hated these openings. Uther usually accompanied him and that only made them worse. Though being at this one alone wasn’t much better. He was greeted by investors and art critics and politicians and every other obnoxious type of person. 

The wealth and scrutiny at these places was ridiculous. Arthur had been going to them since he was thirteen and he still hated them. Over the years he learned the easy way to start small talk and know what his lines were. He learned how to be exactly what he needed to be. 

Though at this one, he was more at ease than he would be normally. He hadn’t noticed before the anonymity that came with just being a face in the crowd. After all, he had spent the day with Merlin, being able to walk down the street holding his hand. The softness of his touch still ghosting over his skin. It was a comfort as he let his mask of Uther’s son slip over him. The mask was cold but he was still warm underneath. 

Of course, then he had to see Agravaine. The tall man had slicked black hair and an air of being the most important man in the room. When he was younger, the man had told him to call him “Uncle Agravaine”. Which never sat well with Arthur, but Uther insisted that he was a man that they had to keep happy.

“Arthur, my boy!” greeted Agravaine.

“Hello, uncle,” said Arthur, his eyes glazing over. 

“How’s your father doing?” 

“Very well, thank you.”

“And what about school - you enjoying it?”

Arthur resisted the urge to roll his eyes with disdain. 

“It’s school, Uncle, it is what it is.”

“Of course,” replied Agravaine with a sly, condescending look.

“What about your company? How has it been since we last talked?”

“Oh Arthur, you always go to business, but it’s been good. The big new customer I’ve been working with the past month or so is being convinced and it will work out,” he said as he took a draught from his wine glass. “We’ve done lots of new hirings lately. The business is growing quite well. If you were to want a job next summer, I could surely at least get you an internship.”

“I will certainly consider that,” replied Arthur. He knew he would hate it. But at the same time he’d be in the city. The city was starting to seem like a better place to be. Agravaine smiled, but it was not a warm smile and it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Now, Arthur, tell me, are you seeing a girl lately?” asked Agravaine. He always was as interested as his father about Arthur’s love life. It made him uncomfortable because he knew he couldn’t really lie to Agravaine. Agravaine lied for a living, practically, so he could tell the signs. 

“I am seeing someone, but I’m not sure how it’s going yet,” replied Arthur evenly, choosing his words carefully. 

“Good, good to hear.” 

“Excuse me, I must go talk to someone,” said Arthur bowing slightly and excusing himself. He had seen Morguase. Even if he hated her, she was a better alternative than Agravaine. The striking blonde was surprised he was speaking to her. She talked small with him for a short while. Then he again excused himself and went about greeting who Uther had told him to be sure to greet. 

An hour and a half later, Arthur was exhausted. The mask was still in tact but it was weary. He sighed and stood by the window looking out at the street. People passed by, the city was buzzing as night descended. He wished to be out there with them; to not be trapped by duty to his father. 

He saw a boy with black hair and a jean jacket walking with another guy. Immediately, his thoughts went to Merlin - he hoped that he was having a better night than him. He shook his head but looked back again. Wait. That was Merlin. 

Merlin was walking and laughing with a guy who had gorgeous hair and - even from a distance - looked strong. Arthur guessed that was his old friend. They walked to a door that lead up to some apartments and Arthur watched as the guy placed his hand on the small of Merlin’s back and lead him through the door. 

Jealousy bubbled in his stomach. That was his boyfriend. Who the hell was that touching his boyfriend like that? And why didn’t Merlin stop him? He sighed, he knew that Merlin was probably just with a friend but that was an oddly intimate touch for a friend. And they were going into an apartment building. Arthur tried not to think that maybe they were going to fuck. Images of the guy with good hair fucking his boyfriend really put him in a bad mood. He shook his head; he trusted Merlin, but he didn’t know if he trusted this other guy. 

___ 

Merlin rolled his eyes as he felt Gwaine’s hand on the small of his back - he forgot how flirty and tactile Gwaine was. Well, not really, it just had been so long. They went up the stairs to Percy’s flat and when they got there, Percy was pleasantly surprised. Merlin was soon enveloped in Percy’s huge arms in a bear hug that nearly suffocated him. It was still comforting, just to be with his friends again. Once Percy let Merlin go, Gwaine snuck in and stole a kiss from his boyfriend which Merlin felt embarrassed to have to witness. 

“Merlin!” said Percy. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been great! What ‘bout you?” 

“Keeping Gwaine in line but other than that pretty well.” 

Merlin smiled as Gwaine stuck his tongue out at Percy for the small jab. They were so good together. He had thought so before but now he didn’t have any lingering feelings about it and was even more happy to see them; they suited each other.

___

When Merlin got back to the hotel room later that night, he was surprised that Arthur was there already. 

“You get bored of the rich and famous?” asked Merlin with a quirk of his lips. He put his coat up and made his way over to his boyfriend sitting on the bed.

“Yeah,” said Arthur, softly. “They can get pretty dull.” 

Merlin stood in front of Arthur looking down at him. Something was wrong. He could tell, just not what was wrong. Arthur wasn’t looking him in the eye and he was hunched forward. 

“What’s wrong, Arthur?”

“Huh?” mumbled Arthur. “Nothin’...”

“Yeah that’s a load of bullshit, what is it?”

“I just… I saw you walking past while I was at the opening… and you were with another guy…”

“Yeah?”

“And… just-he had his hand on your back…”

Merlin stared at him for a moment. 

“Arthur Pendragon. Were you jealous?” he asked trying to contain a little laugh that was begging to come out. 

“Maybe…”

Merlin just laughed and took Arthur’s face in his hands. He kissed him squarely on the mouth, laughter still on his lips. 

“Arthur, you’re an idiot. You have nothing to worry about. I was with Gwaine, my ex-”

“That’s supposed to make me feel better?” 

“He has a boyfriend as well, that’s who we were headed to see when you saw us walking. He’s flirtatious, it’s his nature, but he’s harmless. And I am in love with you.” 

Arthur looked up at him. His blue eyes searching Merlin’s. 

“I love you too.” 

Merlin rolled his eyes. 

___

The train ride home was difficult for Merlin. He had gotten to be in the city and how exhilarating it was. The freedom he felt while walking down the street. The clicking of the tracks underneath him lulled him, even though he dreaded going back. He knew it was even worse for Arthur. 

Oh beautiful Arthur, who wasn’t afraid to sit next to him this time, although they had kept to themselves. Arthur. Whose eyes were heavy and body going slack. Merlin smiled, watching as Arthur fell asleep and slumped over. His head rested on Merlin’s shoulder. Merlin just focused on the warmth of Arthur’s head on his body and breathed in his scent. 

He loved Arthur. He loved him so much.

He thought about what Gwaine had said to him. He knew that he was right. It was dangerous, what they were doing. What he was doing. He knew Arthur didn’t have the same luxuries a lot of people did when it came to coming out. It wasn’t just his business and it wasn’t like he could just leave. There was a lot at stake. If it were a kinder town and Uther a kinder father, perhaps. 

Perhaps they could have what they had right that moment for the rest of their lives. Being together. Being at peace. 

Merlin daydreamed about getting an apartment with Arthur during university; they could study together, walk around campus holding hands, take breaks to have sex when they wanted to. It could be perfect. The easiness of it was what struck him the most. He knew it was a dream - that it wasn’t possible. He wished it was as easy in the real world as it had been in the little world they had created.

___

Leon was uncomfortable sitting in the red velvet chair in the biggest businessman in town’s office. Sure, it also happened to be his best friend’s father, but that actually did not help at all. He straightened his back again. 

“Ah, there you are, Leon,” said Uther Pendragon as he walked into his office. He was wearing a black suit and a red tie. It made Leon feel so underdressed even in his nice khakis and button down shirt. He had asked if he was meant to wear a suit but was told not to. Even still, he was nervous. 

“Good afternoon, sir,” replied Leon.

“Would you like water or tea?” asked Uther politely. 

“Uh, no thank you, your assistant already offered me some.”

“Good, good.”

Uther sat down across from Leon, behind a huge and gorgeous mahogany desk. 

“Very well then,” said Uther. “Let’s begin.”

“Okay, sir.”

“I’ve looked at your resume, it’s good. Of course, you’re just going to be graduating this May. I’m impressed that you’re looking at the job market already, that shows great initiative.”

“Thank you, sir, I try my best.”

“I’ve known you quite a lot of your life so I don’t feel the need to ask all of these pesky questions… Now, why do you want to work here?”

“Growing up in this town, this company has done so much in our community. I want to give back to this community and I want to work here. Whatever job you can give me, even if it’s being a janitor, I will be happy to do.”

Uther looked him up and down a moment and nodded. Leon had practiced what he could and he knew that Uther had a weakness for total fealty. That was more important to him than ability. He only went through a few more questions - it was a lot easier than Leon had expected. 

“I think you’re a fit for this place,” said Uther. “You’ll need to start training in a few weeks. We’ll gladly accommodate you to do training on the weekends. That way when you graduate you will be ready to go straight into your job.”

“Thank you, sir.” 

Uther gave him a barely there smile and a nod. Leon prepared to get up but Uther put his hand up to stop him. 

“I’m sorry to ask this, but how is my son doing?”

Leon sat down again. 

“Uh, he’s doing well, I suppose.”

“He’s been out with you guys a lot lately, more than usual. It doesn’t seem like his grades have been affected at all but still.”

Leon knit his brows together.

“What do you mean sir?”

“I mean he’s been hanging out with friends all the time.”

Leon shook his head. 

“No, not really. We’ve only seen him about once a week outside of school.”

“What? Then what’s he been doing?”

“Well, I assumed you knew. His best friend from his childhood, uh Merlin? Yeah, he moved back and Arthur’s been spending a lot of time with him. I mean, he doesn’t really want the rest of us to know that, but it’s obvious. They’re good friends.”

Uther’s face got darker and darker as Leon spoke. 

“Sir?”

“I remember, Merlin. I had no idea that he was back in town.”

“Yes, sir he is.”

Uther nodded. 

“What is he like now, Leon?” 

“Well, he’s uh, gay, sir.”

Uther looked at Leon for a moment. His face stone-like. 

“Thank you, that will be all, Leon.”

Leon nodded and left quickly. He wasn’t quite sure was going on, but he hadn’t seen Uther that way before. 

___

Arthur kissed Merlin goodnight. His whole body felt so light and easy being with him. He watched reluctantly as his boyfriend left him and went towards his house. Taking his time, he walked back slowly to his own house. Walking through the night air, it was so calm. So serene. The town didn’t seem so scary at this time of night. 

He walked past meadows, and his old elementary school. Swing sets where he used to laugh. There was a nostalgic peace that settled over him. Everything was okay at that moment. 

His house was not welcoming but it was not boding. For some reason, his brain reminded him of when he would go in as a child and be scooped up by his mother. He missed her; her golden hair that cascaded around her face; her laugh was so sweet and rich, it made him smile. She used to take such good care of him. He was always safe in her arms. Uther was even okay in those days. Arthur almost thought he was happy. But he couldn’t remember what that even looked like anymore. 

He sighed and pushed open the door to his house. Making his way inside, he was going to go up to his room. Then he heard a groan coming from the living room. Running a hand over his face, he realized what it probably was - Uther was drunk. 

His night would have been perfect or easy if it hadn’t been for that. He made his way into the living room expecting a passed out Uther, but his father wasn’t passed out. Though he was drunk. 

“Hey, dad, you should go up to bed,” said Arthur as calmly as he could. 

“You’re hanging out with that faggot,” said Uther, his voice gruff and angry. 

Arthur froze. What did he know? How did he know? 

“I had to find out from your friends that you weren’t with them.” 

Arthur swallowed. He needed to reply. He needed to defend himself. Come up with some lie, some excuse. Something. 

Uther stood up, shaking and wobbly, a beer bottle in one hand. 

“What are you doing with that faggot?” spat Uther. 

Arthur couldn’t meet his eyes. Couldn’t see the hate that he knew was there. Hate for what he was, for what Merlin was. 

“I… I…” He wanted to say he didn’t know what he was talking about. He wanted to make something up. But he couldn’t. He was out of practice. He didn’t want to anymore. Lying just felt useless. 

“Huh?” Uther was so close to him. Arthur could smell the liquor on his breath. 

“Nothing-” sputtered out Arthur. He was too scared. He didn’t know what else to say. 

Uther grabbed the front of his t-shirt. Arthur felt like he couldn’t breathe. 

“What boy?” 

“No-nothing…”

“Has he been here? Are you protecting him?” 

“I... I-”

Uther hit him across the face. 

Arthur couldn’t do anything. He felt himself recede. 

“I swear to god, if you see him ever again, I’ll kill you both!” shouted Uther. He released Arthur roughly, making him crash to the ground. 

Arthur couldn’t quite remember how but he got himself up from the floor and up to his room before he came back to himself. Locking his door and sitting in his bed. Tears ran down his cheeks, his breaths came in gasps. He felt like his insides were disintegrating inside of him. He was just one kid. 

He wanted so desperately to believe it was just one of Uther’s drunken rants. That he would forget about it in the morning. That maybe it was an empty threat. He knew it wasn’t. He remembered when a man in his company had come out, he didn’t just lose his job, he had been run out of town with death threats. Morgana, his cousin, had accidentally been caught kissing a girl when she was 10. He still was scared to visit her since she had been beaten so brutally. No one had stopped Uther. No one ever would. 

Merlin. His Merlin. Flashes of Merlin being beaten, hurt, even dead, rushed through his mind - he couldn’t let that happen to him. Because of him. It would be his fault if Uther got ahold of him. He had to keep Merlin safe. No matter what happened to him, Merlin had to be safe. 

___

Merlin was tugging on the strings of his hoodie. Arthur wouldn’t meet his gaze that day. But he didn’t think much of it. There were days when Arthur was paying more attention to his friends and that was what it was usually. Merlin was full of energy that day. The trip with Arthur had done him a lot of good. A few weeks later and he still drew on that for strength. Albion was not exactly where he wanted to be, except that Arthur was there. 

His bouncy nature made him excited as he thought about what they should do that night. He wanted to do something fun, maybe a movie, maybe a game. Rolling it around in his head he tried to think of what he would pitch to Arthur when he got there. 

There. Their little meeting place. It was by the docks. The boats on shore created a maze that they could hide in. The paint was peeling on some of the boats. They used to meet there when they were little too. Played hide and seek and all manner of adventure games. There were so many nooks, crannies, and cubby holes. It was easy to get lost in there, but they had grown up in the maze of it all and it felt like home. 

They had been meeting there when they just wanted to meet. Merlin loved being by the sea and having time just the two of them. It was a little slice of freedom. Arthur would sometimes crowd Merlin up against the side of a boat and kiss him senseless.He loved the smell of the sea and wood and paint that filtered through the area. 

Looking to the ridge where it hid the boats from the rest of world, he saw Arthur coming down to meet him. His head was down and shoulders hunched over. Merlin smiled brightly. 

“Hey-” 

Arthur cut him off with a quick kiss. He melted into it and grabbed onto Merlin’s hoodie. It was insistent and needy. Merlin was happy to oblige. Arthur kept kissing and kissing him until they were breathless. Then he let go of Merlin and took a step back, breathing hard. 

“Whoa,” laughed Merlin lightly. “What was that for?”

Arthur didn’t look him in the eye. He closed his eyes and sighed. Merlin studied him. There was something off. 

“Merlin-” he stopped himself. 

Merlin became tender and reached out to touch Arthur, but Arthur shrunk away. 

“I can’t-I can’t do…” Arthur took a deep breath and looked Merlin in the face. “I can’t do this anymore.” 

The statement hung in the air. Merlin couldn’t quite comprehend it at first. What was Arthur saying? What couldn’t he do anymore? He stumbled back and gave Arthur a confused look. 

“We can’t do this anymore,” said Arthur, a little more firmly. “This needs to end.”

“What?” 

“Don’t talk to me at school. I can’t be seen with you.” 

Merlin just sputtered. Arthur broke eye contact and tried to walk away. 

“What the fuck? What the actual fuck? Why are you doing this? Arthur? Arthur!”

Arthur stopped but didn’t turn around. 

“You’re just leaving me like this? After everything… and what the fuck was that kiss? Why would you kiss me and then do this? Arthur? Arthur!!”

Arthur didn’t respond and didn’t turn around. He just walked away. Leaving Merlin behind. Merlin wanted to run after him but he was too in shock. 

___

Arthur walked away and tried to stop the tears that were coming down his face. He just tried to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Walking and then running away. He ran until his lungs hurt and he found himself in the cemetery where his mum was buried. Finding her grave, he threw himself on the ground. 

He tried to remind himself why he did what he just did. It was to protect Merlin. To keep him out of the crossfire and make sure he was safe. He had to keep Merlin safe. 

If he told him the truth, Merlin wouldn’t be able to move on. They would be risking more than before. They had been careful, but apparently not careful enough. He couldn’t do that to him anymore. He needed to cut him off. Keep him out of reach from Uther. 

Sitting up in front of his mother’s grave he thought about the last time he was there. Telling her how much he loved Merlin. He sighed. 

“I still love him, mum. Maybe even more now… but I… I put him in danger.”

He tried to keep himself somewhat in order. His chest hurt from running and crying. 

“I’m so selfish… I tried to do this. I shouldn’t have…”

He touched his fingers to his lips, remembering the warmth and softness of Merlin’s lips. He may never feel that again. 

“God… I love him. But I need to keep him safe. That’s more important than kisses and sex and everything. He needs to be safe.”

Arthur stayed there for a long time trying to gather himself. He was doing what was best for Merlin at whatever cost to himself. 

___

Merlin laid on the couch. He didn’t know what to do, his body felt numb. He lay there for what felt like hours. 

When his mother came home that night, she found him in the same spot still. 

“Honey, what’s wrong?” asked Huntith. Merlin didn’t reply. He just stayed in the same position doing the same thing. 

“Merlin?” 

Merlin finally turned to look at his mother. She could read it on his face. She knew him so well, she didn’t even have to ask. 

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” she said as she hugged him. Merlin just cried into her shoulder. Letting himself just let go and be small again. She shushed him and cradled him close. It took him awhile to calm down. 

“How about I make you some soup? And then if you want, you can tell me what happened.” 

Merlin nodded. He waited and sat holding his knees for a while as he heard his mum shuffling around making him soup. She set down a bowl of steaming chicken noodle soup and a spoon in front of him. 

“Thanks,” he mumbled. Slowly, he ate his soup and Huntith waited patiently. She just let him take his time. When he finished, he set down his bowl and spoon. 

“Okay?” she asked. 

“I dunno,” he replied. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“I don’t even know what happened,” sighed Merlin. “I don’t know how this happened…”

Huntith just nodded and waited for him to continue. 

“He dumped me. Not even just dumped me, he-he is cutting me off. Like doesn’t want me to speak to him ever again sort of cutting me off…” 

His mum nodded and sighed. 

“Did he give you an explanation why?”

“No. That’s what fucks me up, it was so abrupt and so weird. Like no explanation, no closure. Just, we’re done, don’t talk to me. Like… how? Why?” Merlin shook his head. “I just don’t get it.”

“Why were you guys hiding?” she asked gently. 

“Because…”

“I’ll keep it a secret, it’s okay.” 

“Because it was Arthur.” 

Merlin felt somehow lighter being able to say that. Being able to tell his mother what was going on. He watched to see the recognition spreading over her face. She sighed. 

“You boys… always you two. I’m not surprised. Though… it’s still a stupid idea.” 

“I know…”

“Did Uther find out?”

“Huh? I don’t know… is that why Arthur could have-”

 

“It’s possible. Or maybe he’s too worried that he will.” 

“Yeah… but why wouldn’t he just talk to me about that? I just don’t get the coldness.”

“He has his reasons, and though you want an explanation, he may not owe you one.”

Merlin sighed and nodded. He had to admit she was right. 

“Yeah maybe…” 

___

Arthur sighed. He knew this was the next step. A way to keep Merlin and himself safe. This was what needed to be done. 

Gwen was a pretty girl. Her cocoa skin was smooth and soft. Her black hair was in curly ringlets. She had a bright smile. She was sweet. But Arthur felt nothing for her. 

And yet, here he was. Leaning up against the locker next to hers. Trying his best to be as attractive and enticing as expected.

“So uh, Gwen, would you want to go to the movies with me, this Friday night?” 

He watched as her whole face lit up. She nodded excitedly. 

“Yes! Absolutely!” 

Arthur tried to smile back. He hated doing this to her. He wouldn’t use her like this if he had any other choice. She was exactly the type of cover up he needed. Her being infatuated with him made it so he didn’t have to convince her, and she would be able to turn a blind eye to him not being as invested as others would be. 

He shoved off from the locker and gave her his number. Looking up, in the hallway passed Merlin, who didn’t look at him - wouldn’t even meet his eyes. His heart stopped like every time he saw Merlin. His presence was still so strong. Merlin’s blue eyes that glittered and almost glowed with how radiant they were. The pale skin of his neck jutted out from his shirt where Arthur had loved caressing and marking it up in anyway he could. Swallowing and trying to remind himself that he was doing this for him - always for him - he turned away. Making sure his and Gwen’s plans were for sure, he took off to his next class. 

___

Merlin kept to himself more and more. Without Arthur, he realized he had not made many friends in Albion. The assholes in town who gave him crap got to him a little more. However much he wanted to go up to Arthur and demand an explanation, he knew he couldn’t. 

His chest ached being in class with him. He could barely get himself to look at him, keeping his head down and focused on his work. He didn’t know why Arthur had hurt him like he did. He wished he hadn’t. At the same time, as angry and frustrated and heartbroken as he was, he couldn’t hate him. Merlin was still too in love. He wanted Arthur still so much. 

The confusion of it all kept him up at night. Tossing and turning, he turned to his I-pod and books. He blocked out the world when it got to be too much and turned to planning to the future. University was exciting, and preparing for it was exactly what he needed to keep him busy. 

One night, he got really sick of hanging out at home and went to walk around town by himself. The quiet and peacefulness of the small town never sat as well with him, but it was okay. The city and its feeling of being alive was where he wanted to be, the quiet gave him too much time to think. He wanted to drown out his mind. 

Arthur had done damage to him. He couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss. His last kiss. Arthur’s warm lips against him. Kissing him right before breaking up with him? It didn’t make sense. And there was so much emotion there. So much love in that kiss, and then he had shut down completely. Gone cold, and left him. 

It was strange to see Arthur’s mask go up in front of him. It was so rare to see it go up around Merlin; he usually could see through it. But not this time. He couldn’t figure out what was behind Arthur’s mask this time - he didn’t know if he wanted to know. 

Merlin wished he could move on. Find someone else. He thought maybe he would someday. Walking through the streets of Albion he felt the lifelessness of the town. Remembered when he and Arthur used to walk these streets together-whether in secret or as “friends”. 

He almost didn’t notice when someone was approaching him. But of course he saw, he had to see, he had trained himself for so long to search out Arthur in a crowd. There was Arthur. He was walking toward Merlin, well, sort of. He was walking in his general direction. But Arthur wasn’t alone. 

Gwen was with him. Laughing, smiling, and looking at Arthur like he hung the moon. Merlin had known for awhile that she had a crush on Arthur but it had never bothered him. Now, he saw them together. Arthur was listening and smiling with his mask on at Gwen. Merlin held himself the best he could as they passed him. 

When he turned to look after them, he felt his heart break. Arthur took Gwen’s hand. Merlin didn’t know what to do. He just kept walking and turned away from them, his heart beating too fast. 

___

Arthur didn’t sleep much anymore. When he did, he was in constant nightmares. Merlin was always on his mind. More than ever before, even. He went on dates with Gwen all the time. Uther was proud that he finally found a girlfriend, and he never mentioned that night. Sometimes Arthur wondered if he had overreacted, but then he remembers what he had seen. 

School was worse than ever. Arthur felt even less connected to his friends than usual. He was too tired to keep up with the banter, and he was off in his head too much. Leon joked that it was Gwen who was getting his head up in the clouds. Arthur wished. 

His relationship with Gwen was strange. Their dates had been something, out in the open, doing fun things. He didn’t hate hanging out with Gwen, she was sweet and cute. They got along fairly well. But, he could tell that he would never have feelings for her. He knew that would always be the case. 

His stomach didn’t fill with butterflies when she was around. Kissing her was bland - almost boring; holding her hand was an afterthought. Nothing came naturally to him. There was so much effort that he had to put in to keep her interested. He came home from a date tired and discouraged. He hated doing this to her. She was too good to be stuck with a guy who could never even be attracted to her, let alone love her. 

Arthur had resisted even having sex with her. He felt he couldn’t do that to her. She would subtly encourage him that it was okay, but he tried to play it off that he was uncomfortable with sex. Which of course made her want to make him more comfortable with it. 

“It’s okay, Arthur,” said Gwen, placing her hand on his thigh. “We can take it slow.”

Arthur just looked at her sadly. He couldn’t fake this. 

“Gwen, please…” 

She took her hand away. 

“I just want you to know that you can trust me, Arthur.” 

Arthur looked into her eyes. She cared about him so much. He hated doing this to her. 

“I know, it’s not you.” He kissed her on the forehead. “Trust me, it’s not you.”

Whatever he had to do, he would not have sex with Gwen to try and save Merlin. It wasn’t fair to any of them. And honestly, Arthur couldn’t imagine sleeping with anyone but Merlin. It felt wrong. Maybe it wouldn’t some day. 

___

The quiet. Merlin couldn’t take the silence. He wished that Arthur had hit him or given him a cutting explanation or something. Anything. 

The silence was suffocating. It dug itself into him. Creeping into his bones and making me feel like he was turning to stone. The image of Gwen and Arthur was burned into his eyes. He wished that he could wipe it away. It made him angry, it confused him. He knew Arthur. He knew Arthur was so gay and couldn’t help it. There was no way that Arthur had just left Merlin for Gwen. 

He couldn’t even go up and yell at Arthur. Oh, how he wanted to. But Arthur was purposefully making himself scarce around Merlin. He wanted to fight him, to scratch and cry and ask all of his questions. Broken bones and black eyes would feel better than the emotional damage he was feeling. 

One day he couldn’t stand it anymore, so he called Gwaine. 

“Hello?”

“Gwaine?”

“Merlin… what is it?”

Merlin didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to admit to Gwaine that he was right. That it was over and that he was broken. 

“Arthur… We’re… over…”

“Oh god, Merlin I’m so sorry.”

“He just… I don’t get it, Gwaine… It was so sudden and weird. The day before it was perfect and ‘I love you’ and then… just-” Merlin choked. How could he say it? 

“Take your time…”

“He kissed me. One last time. That’s what fucks me up. He kissed me and then told me never to speak to him again and that we were over…”

“...”

“What do I do with that? How the fuck do I move on from that?”

“I don’t know, Merlin… that doesn’t make any sense…”

“I can’t stand this fucking silence. It’s making me insane.” 

“Yeah… I can tell…” 

“Gwaine, what do I do?”

“You cry and you eat ice cream and you listen to sad music. You take your time recovering. And then- you move on. For real this time. Move on from Arthur. Maybe have a few hook ups to help you along. There’s more people out there, Merlin. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out.” 

Merlin sighed. 

“Yeah… me too… you’re right… fuck… I just miss him so much.”

“I know, and I don’t know when or if that will ever go away. But you deserve to be happy. You deserve someone who can give themselves completely to you.”

“Thank you, Gwaine.” 

Merlin stayed on the phone and they talked for awhile longer. Once they hung up, Merlin felt better. He knew that even the Arthur he knew and loved would rather he moved on and was happy. Maybe it would take forever but he had to get his own closure. 

___

Arthur couldn’t breathe. It was too much to breathe. He lay in his bed. He didn’t want to move - he didn’t want to do anything. The covers over him were suffocatingly warm but they were his shields from the world, so he held them tight. 

He had forgotten how hard it was to not have a break from this. This constant hiding. This constant torture. How much he had to fake - how much harder it was to fake now. His body and mind were exhausted. 

He drifted in and out of fitful sleep for hours. He woke up at 4 am and couldn’t get himself to go back to sleep. Finally, he decided to get out of bed. It was raining outside, so he decided against going on a walk and just sat at his desk and stared out the window. 

God, he missed Merlin so much. The way that Merlin would take care of him and stroke his forehead when things were difficult. How it felt like everything would be okay. The world stopped turning and it was just them. 

He missed kissing Merlin. The way their lips slid together and they swallowed each other’s moans. How warm and comforting it was. The chills that ran up and down his spine and made him feel like all of his worries were for nothing. He loved Merlin. He loved him so much. 

How could he hurt him like he did? Arthur sighed and let his head fall into his hands. He started crying softly. The weight of it all was so much. He was being crushed by it. 

___

When Arthur had left that day, it was not unusual. It seemed like another grey day. His father was never up by the time he had to leave for school. So he went about his day with no worry. Well, no more worry than he was used to. 

“Arthur Pendragon?” asked an office aid as she entered his class. 

“Yes?”

“Will you please come with me,” she said. It was not a request, it was a summon. He nodded. “Bring your things too.”

He gathered his things together to the playful chiding of his friends. All of them were joking that he was somehow he was in trouble. He laughed, he doubted that was the case. Following the office aid out of the classroom, he was relaxed and guarded as usual but not anymore than usual. 

When he was lead to a police officer, however, he started to be concerned. The man who he was directed to had a furrowed brow. 

“Arthur?” He asked. 

“Yes, sir?”

“Son…” he sighed heavily. Taking off his cap, Arthur could already see the stress on the officer’s face. “I regret that I have to tell you this… but we found your father this morning. He drunk himself to death is what we’ve been told. Died of alcohol poisoning… I’m so sorry…” 

The officer kept talking and was trying to reassure him, but Arthur stopped being able to hear him. The world around him started to fade. His breath was unsteady and he found himself stumbling back to hold onto a wall. The officer tried to help him but he shrugged him off. 

“Do you want me to do anything?” the officer asked. “I have called some of your relatives. We can let the nurse take care of you if you need time, and we can take you wherever you want to go… It’s whatever you want to do.”

Arthur didn’t know what to do. What he needed. He was in shock. His whole body felt numb. Some practical part of him was nodding and explaining that he wanted to finish the school day, but he would need a little time before that. The officer tried to tell him he didn’t need to do that, but Arthur was not himself right now. He was not in control, he was on autopilot; unable to feel or process. 

He asked calmly, when this news was to be released to the public and what he needed to do. The adults tried to assure him most things would be taken care of, they would wait for a proper press release although it would have to be in the next few days. After clearing up the logistics with them of what he needed to do, he excused himself to the bathroom. 

Finally alone for a moment, he felt his chest constrict. He had feared this happening his whole life but had never thought it was actually possible. Looking in the mirror he saw his own eyes looking back at him. Uther was dead. His father was dead. It didn’t feel real at that moment. 

The world was broken. It was wrong. Things were different now. Nothing would ever be the same. He, for the first time in a long time, thought of the good moments he had had with Uther; when his father had taken him to a fair and bought him cotton candy; being swung around when he was small enough to be carried; pretending to be an airplane as the wind rushed against his pink cheeks. 

No matter what Uther had done to him, Uther was his father. And he had loved him. And now he would never see him alive again. His father was dead. 

Arthur gripped the counter in front of him. One sob escaped him. He stopped more from coming and let a few tears silently fall. Then he shook his head and remembered himself. Uther never liked him crying. Ever. He was always told that no one was worth his tears. He wiped his tears away and washed his face. Drying his hands, he let his mask slip over him- this time it was made of steel.

Gathering courage, he left the restroom and went to his class. The rest of the day he did not pay attention but he was physically present and doing what he thought was expected of him. The walk home however… 

He wandered and was slow about it. How could he enter his own house now? It would be real then. The emptiness of it. 

He had lost both his parents. 

___

Merlin heard about the funeral, and struggled over whether he should go or not. Huntith was the one who told him he should go. 

“He’s your friend,” she said. “Something terrible has happened. You should at least show him that you’re there for him. You don’t even have to speak to him, just go. Be present.”

So Merlin dressed himself up in his nice suit, complete with a black tie. He was awkward but he needed to be there, for Arthur. Walking to the cemetery where the funeral was to be held, he saw the small crowd of mourners who were also heading that way. Of course, the whole town had been affected but how many would mourn Uther, Merlin wasn’t sure. 

Merlin remembered when Arthur’s mother passed away. Arthur had been heartbroken, but Uther had not approved of him crying. Merlin held his hand at the funeral, just trying to make his best friend feel a little better. Walking through the cemetery made Merlin remember how many times he had had to comfort Arthur through that, how even when they had been together he sometimes had to comfort Arthur through memories of her. Even if Merlin had never got along with Uther, he knew the impact on Arthur was going to be deep. 

Making his way to the plot, he joined the crowd covered in mourning black. The funeral began as the pallbearers, including Arthur, carried the casket and set it in place. A priest prayed and began the ceremony. Merlin watched Arthur, trying to see how he was doing. Arthur’s face was pinched and solemn. Gwen stood next to him, rubbing his shoulder and holding his hand through the whole thing. Arthur barely paid her any mind, just looked blankly at the casket. 

Merlin felt horrible. He was jealous of Gwen at that moment. He was being selfish, but he wanted to be there, next to Arthur, comforting him like he always had. Lying next to him and just keeping him steady. He could run his fingers through Arthur’s soft, blond hair, and kiss his tears away. If Arthur would let him, Merlin would take care of him. 

The funeral was briefer than expected, only a few people had much to say about Uther. Expensive flowers were placed on the casket. Merlin couldn’t take it for long. Arthur wouldn’t look him in the eye. He walked away from the funeral plot and the people and wandered through the rest of the cemetery. 

Passing by the headstones, he felt a sense of melancholy shroud him. He wished he could help Arthur. Just be there for him. Sitting down on some steps, he looked out at the ocean. 

___

Arthur stood there, his feet glued to the ground. Agravaine was across from him. Arthur heard him say some words about Uther being a great man, and Arthur wasn’t sure whether he wanted to punch him because what he was saying was lies or that his ‘uncle’ had never truly known him. The day before Agravaine had shown up and proposed that Arthur finish out the school year in Albion and then come live with him while he went to school in Camelot. 

Arthur knew Agravaine was the same as Uther, maybe he wasn’t as much of a drunk but just as controlling, if not more. The expectations would be the same. He would be shielded from even the family he liked, like Morgana. Just because Uther was gone didn’t mean his expectations would disappear. Gwen was standing next to him, reminding him of that too. Sweet, innocent Guinevere. 

As the funeral came to an end, the crowd around him started to thin. Everyone left slowly, Arthur saw out of the corner of his eye that Merlin had left almost immediately, except that he had gone deeper into the cemetery, not away from it. Agravaine and the other remaining people started to leave as well. Gwen tugged on him to leave with them. Arthur pushed her hand away and said he wanted to be alone with his father. 

Reluctantly, Gwen and the others left him. Arthur let his mask down a little as he crumbled to his knees and let a few tears fall. He placed a hand on the casket and said a silent prayer. No matter what, he had loved his father. It had just been the two of them for so long. Going through the toughest parts of life, together. Now, he was alone. 

After a while of crying and mourning Uther, he stood up. He made a quick decision and walked deeper into the cemetery. As he walked, he brushed his fingers along the cool limestone headstones. Then he saw him. 

Merlin was sitting on the steps looking out at the ocean by the cemetery. Arthur felt his chest constrict. He couldn’t keep this up anymore. Approaching him quietly he reached a hand down and tapped Merlin on his shoulder. 

Merlin turned and looked at him, slowly he stood up. Arthur didn’t know what to do. Merlin looked down and was unsure. Arthur wished he didn’t have to look like that. 

“Arthur…” said Merlin. 

Arthur turned his face away. He already felt horrible, he didn’t need this too. 

Merlin reached out and gently touched Arthur’s cheek. Arthur turned and saw sympathy and love still in Merlin’s eyes. Merlin pulled him forward and rested Arthur’s head on his shoulder. 

“I’m so sorry, Arthur…” said Merlin, holding him tight.. 

Arthur slumped himself against Merlin. He breathed in Merlin’s scent. It was home. 

“He’s gone,” croaked out Arthur. 

“I know…” 

Merlin held him tight as Arthur let himself go just a little bit. He let himself feel the pain and let himself feel the comfort of Merlin’s arms again. All he wanted, and he needed, at that moment was to be next to Merlin. He wished he could go back to before when he could sleep next to him, and hold his hand. That was all he wanted to do at that moment. 

He knew how dangerous it all was. They were walking a line there. But he really didn’t care. Merlin was the only person in the world he wanted to be with at that moment. 

Merlin turned to look at something, Arthur took his head off of his shoulder. Standing in front of them was Gwen. 

“Arthur?” she said. 

Arthur stepped back and looked at Merlin. Merlin looked at him blankly. He knew what he had to do. Even if the threat itself died, Agravaine would not allow what Arthur wanted. It would never be over. Arthur turned away and walked towards Gwen, letting his mask slip over him again. 

He looked back to Merlin, who just blinked after him. He sighed and turned back to Gwen who had grabbed his hand. In a hushed tone she reminded him they had to be somewhere. Arthur let himself be pulled away. However, he couldn’t stop himself from turning back just to catch a glimpse of Merlin, just a moment of relief seeing him again. 

___

A few days later, Arthur stood in front of Merlin’s house. He had one last thing to do. He needed to do it, for himself. So much anxiety about this moment had left him exhausted. Arthur bit his lip and sighed. Taking a final deep breath he walked up to Merlin’s door and slipped a letter under the door, addressed to Merlin. 

Knowing that was done, he was able to walk away from that house and from that town. 

Merlin, I love you. I always have and I always will. But for now, I have to do this. 

He got on a train and started to move forward for the first time in his life. 

___

Merlin picked up the letter he found on the welcome mat that morning. It was addressed to him; it just had his name on the envelope nothing else. Confused, he picked it up and brought it up to his room to open it. Tearing the seal, he took the letter out and started to read it. It was from Arthur. 

My Love, Merlin, 

Only fools do what I do.

I fell for you. I loved you. But in that, you got dragged down by me. I wasn’t ready. I hurt you. I put both our lives on the line because I fell for you. I knew that it was a bad idea. I knew it was all so temporary, I knew it couldn’t last. Not forever. I knew that it wouldn’t work out. But I chased after you anyway.

And then…

I had to pay for what I did. I had to hurt you. I know that it hurt you. But I couldn’t let you get hurt more…

Now?

Now I don’t know what to do.

So I’m leaving. Leaving this town, and this life. I want to make my own life, maybe someday I’ll make one that is worthy of you. 

I’m so, so sorry. For what I did to you and the pain I’ve put you through. You deserve better. You deserve to move on with your life. 

I love you. But that means you should do more than pine after a ghost. Live. For me and for yourself. I’m going to try and do the same. 

Love,  
Arthur 

Merlin found tears on his face. Arthur was leaving. He wasn’t sure whether he was crying because he was so sad to have him leave or because he was so proud of him. This was the right decision. Merlin knew Arthur so well. Leaving all of this behind and having a fresh start was exactly what he needed. 

Arthur would finally be able to be himself, or even just figure out who that was. He couldn’t be prouder. And yet he was also so sad. Arthur was his first love. No one else was ever going to stand up to him. This was so much more final. 

It was an apology, too. A sort of explanation for what he did. It gave Merlin closure as of why he did what he did. There was something about putting their lives at risk - he remembered what Arthur had said about his cousin Morgana. If Uther had found out he certainly would have threatened their lives. Arthur was protecting him. Of course he was protecting him. Nothing else would make sense. 

He sat there on his bed and reread the letter over and over. Arthur was living for himself. Merlin would have to learn to do that himself.


	2. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little wrap up to the story if some of you needed that.

10 years and a day hadn't passed by where Merlin had not thought of Arthur fondly, always wondering how he made it out and whether he was okay. When he had gotten a letter - another one - dropped on his doorstep with only his name on it - his heart jumped. Opening it, he didn't want to let his hopes rise like they already were. The handwriting was practically the same. 

Now, he was waiting at the place the letter had said to meet. Some part of him knew it could be a terrible set up, but he really could care less. Even the thought that it was real was enough. The bar was low key and chill, and it was hip enough without being too young for Merlin. He got himself a drink and sat patiently. 

Whenever the door opened his eyes glanced just to check to see if he saw a flash of blond hair. Nursing his drink slowly, he tried to calm his nerves. His mind wandered to when they had met when they were just kids at a coffee shop, reconnecting. Merlin had been so nervous and so easily in love all over again. 

Then the door opened again, and Merlin tried to keep himself from glancing, but it never worked. A tall, blond, muscular man started walking towards him. Merlin recognized those gorgeous blue eyes. He stood up without even thinking. 

Arthur embraced him so quickly. Merlin melted into the hug, barely believing that he was there - that Arthur was there. After a few moments they broke apart.

"Hello, Merlin."

"Hi," replied Merlin. 

There was such light in Arthur's eyes, and he smiled so easily. He was the same but not. This was not the young boy that Merlin fell in love with, but he wasn't sure that person was gone entirely either. 

Arthur sat at the stool with Merlin and ordered a drink. 

"How?" asked Merlin. "How did you find me?"

"Does it really matter?" 

Merlin thought for a moment. 

"No, it really doesn't." 

Arthur smiled at him. 

"You left." said Merlin. 

"I did." 

"Did you find what you were looking for?" 

"Yeah, I did. I found myself." 

Merlin smiled and saw the easiness in Arthur's body, how relaxed he was. It was unlike how he had been on guard whenever they had been together.

"Where did you go?" 

"To my cousin, Morgana. She was the only one I knew who might understand me. She's a lesbian. I came out to her. And together we kind of got ourselves on our feet." 

Merlin knew of Morgana. It was good that Arthur had had someone to go to. 

"That's great," said Merlin. 

"What about you," said Arthur taking a sip of his drink. "What have you been up to?" 

"I went to school in Camelot like I had planned to. I started working with Gaius after that. Now,   
I'm working on my own, figuring things out as they come."

"You have anyone special?"

Merlin laughed. 

"Sorry- just did you seriously just ask me if I had a boyfriend by asking if there's 'someone special'?" 

Arthur blushed. 

"Okay, yeah that was bad," he admitted. 

"Yeah it was," laughed Merlin. "But the answer, is no. Oh, there have been boyfriends, but none of them really stuck. What 'bout you?" 

"I've tried dating, Morgana almost insisted on it. There were some that lasted a little while but in the end..." 

"Yeah it happens." 

"It's just, they weren't... you." 

Merlin looked at Arthur as he said those words. Arthur was mature now, his eyes were full of fire and he was sure. His heart stuttered. 

"I don't think I ever got over my first love, Merlin." 

Merlin bit his lip. This was all he wanted for years. And now he didn't know what to do. 

"Honestly?" said Merlin. "Me either."

Arthur grinned and Merlin grinned back.

Maybe they weren’t such fools after all.


End file.
